It is more common than you think
Partner violence in relationships between men occurs at least as often as in heterosexual relationships. A systematic review and meta-analysis (2021) calculated that around one in three men who have sex with men has been a victim of partner violence — comparable to or higher than the figures in heterosexual relationships. Flemish research by Ghent University on partner violence among LGB people (Hellemans et al., available via the Belgian Institute for the Equality of Women and Men) likewise found that around one in ten LGB people had experienced physical partner violence, with no difference between men and women.
Yet men in a relationship with a man seek help even less often. Not because the violence is less serious, but because the barriers are higher.
A double taboo
- Telling two things at once. Seeking help sometimes means saying in a single conversation that your partner is hurting you and that you are in a relationship with a man — to someone you do not know.
- The myth of the "fight between equals". Violence between two men is quickly seen as a quarrel between equal parties. But partner violence is about control and fear, not muscle power. In a male couple too, one partner can systematically claim all the power.
- Fear that support services are not LGBTQ+-friendly. You may fear incomprehension, awkward questions or prejudice. That fear is understandable, but it does not have to stop you: there are services that know this context well.
- A smaller community. Perpetrator and victim often share the same friends, organisations and going-out places. Leaving can feel like losing your entire network — and your partner can use that network to spread his version of the story.
The same patterns, with extra means of pressure
The core of partner violence is the same in every relationship: control, isolation, humiliation and reversing perpetrator and victim (DARVO). Does this sound familiar? Read more at recognizing the signs or take the self-assessment — everything on this site applies to you too.
In addition, there are means of pressure that are specific to relationships between men:
- Threatening to out you. "If you leave, I'll tell your parents, your employer, your faith community." Anyone who is not (yet) out becomes vulnerable to blackmail. This is a form of coercive control.
- Your HIV status as a weapon. Threatening to disclose your status, controlling or withholding your medication, or using your status to keep you down ("no one else will want you").
Where to find help
- 1712 — the violence helpline, for everyone: free, anonymous, and the number does not appear on your phone bill.
- Lumi — the free and anonymous information and listening line (in Dutch) for all your questions about gender and sexual orientation: call 0800 99 533 or chat via lumi.be (several evenings a week, 6.30–9.30 pm).
- CAW — counselling and crisis shelter, including for men: 0800 13 500.
- RainbowHouse Brussels — the umbrella of dozens of LGBTQ+ organisations in the Brussels Region (Rue du Marché au Charbon 42), a safe place for information and meeting others.
- In Wallonia: Écoute Violences Conjugales — 0800 30 030.
Thinking about leaving, or already gone? See the safety plan and read what you can do if the violence continues after the break-up. In immediate danger: crisis help.
For professionals
One word determines whether someone talks or stays silent: ask neutrally about "your partner", not "your girlfriend". Anyone who first has to correct an assumption often gives up. Read more about male victims in the consultation room at invisibility.
Frequently asked questions
Is partner violence different in a relationship between men?
The patterns are the same: control, isolation, humiliation, threats and sometimes physical violence. Research shows that partner violence occurs at least as often in male couples as in heterosexual relationships. There are, however, additional means of pressure — such as threatening to out you or weaponising your HIV status — and additional barriers to seeking help.
What if he threatens to out me?
Threatening to out you is a form of psychological partner violence and coercive control. You alone decide whether, when and to whom you disclose your orientation. Keep the threats (messages, e-mails) and talk about them anonymously with 1712 or Lumi (0800 99 533, in Dutch) — they think along with you without requiring you to take any immediate steps.
Will professionals take me seriously?
1712, the CAW centres and a growing number of professionals are there for everyone, regardless of gender or orientation. If you still feel you are not being taken seriously, that is down to that one professional — not to you. Keep looking: Lumi and RainbowHouse in Brussels know the LGBTQ+ context well.
Where can I find LGBTQ+-friendly help in Belgium?
Call 1712 (free and anonymous) for any form of violence. Lumi (0800 99 533, in Dutch) is the free and anonymous information and listening line for questions about gender and sexual orientation. CAW (0800 13 500) offers counselling and crisis shelter, including for men. In Brussels, RainbowHouse brings together dozens of LGBTQ+ organisations; in Wallonia there is Écoute Violences Conjugales (0800 30 030).