Being out is not the same as being recovered
After a toxic relationship, you are not "done" just because you are out. The real pain — confusion, doubt, anger, sadness — often only starts once the relationship is over.
Why trauma therapy?
1. You have erased yourself
In a toxic relationship, you learn to suppress yourself to avoid conflicts. You lose the connection with who you are.
2. You recognize your own mechanisms
Why did you end up in this relationship? Why did you stay so long? The answers almost always go deeper — into childhood, attachment patterns and self-image. Understanding your mechanisms is a condition for changing them.
Common patterns in male victims:
- High empathy — you understand her pain, you excuse her behavior
- Caretaking — you take responsibility for the well-being of others
- Low self-esteem — you believed what she said about you
- Avoidant attachment pattern — you learned that showing emotions is dangerous
3. You avoid the same mistake
Without insight into your patterns, you risk being attracted to the same dynamic again.
4. You learn to choose for yourself
The ultimate goal: not away from her, but toward yourself. Taking your own needs seriously. Setting boundaries without guilt.
Which form of therapy?
| Form | What it does | Good for |
|---|---|---|
| EMDR | Processes traumatic memories | PTSD, flashbacks, anxiety |
| EFT | Explores emotions and attachment patterns | Understanding yourself in relationships |
| Schema therapy | Deep beliefs from childhood | Rigid self-images |
| Systemic therapy | Patterns in a broader context | Recognizing and breaking patterns |
| CBT | Thought patterns | Depression, anxiety |
| Peer support group | Connection with like-minded individuals | Breaking shame, recognition |
Look for a therapist experienced in trauma AND intimate partner violence. Ask explicitly whether they have experience with male victims.
Reimbursement: via a referral from your GP to a contracted psychologist, partial reimbursement is possible in Belgium.
Codependency: when you are always the caregiver
Many men who end up in a toxic relationship recognize a pattern in themselves in hindsight: they felt responsible for their partner's happiness, constantly adjusted their behavior to avoid conflict, and lost themselves in the process. That pattern has a name: codependency.
Codependency is not a weakness. It is a learned mechanism — often rooted in childhood — where you prioritize the needs of others at the expense of your own wellbeing. With high-functioning codependency, this comes with a strong sense of responsibility, high empathy, and the tendency to rescue, care for, and control what you can control.
In a relationship with a narcissistic or controlling partner, this pattern reinforces itself: the more the other demands, the more you adapt. Until there seems to be nothing of yourself left.
Codependency is not the same as being a victim. It is a pattern you can understand — and break.
Therapist Margalis Fjelstad makes a useful distinction in her work: the Caretaker — someone who completely effaces themselves for a borderline or narcissistic partner — functions well at work and in social situations. It is only at home, with the partner, that he loses himself. That pattern is typical of many male victims: competent and stable on the outside, exhausted and invisible on the inside. The fact that you do well outside the relationship does not make the damage inside any less real.
Terri Cole: "Codependency"
The book Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency by therapist Terri Cole (AnkhHermes, 2025) offers a practical and recognizable framework for those who want to understand and break this pattern. Cole describes how high-functioning codependents efface themselves while appearing functional on the outside — and how to gradually learn to prioritize your own needs.
Chapter 5 specifically addresses the narcissist-codependent dynamic: why you and a narcissistic partner attract each other so strongly, how the roles reinforce each other, and what is needed to step out of that dynamic.