Leaving is difficult — but it is possible
Leaving a toxic relationship may be the hardest thing you ever do. It is also one of the best things you can do for yourself. And, even if it sounds counterintuitive, it is also one of the best things you can do for your children.
"But the children..."
The argument most often used to stay is the children. It is also the argument most often used as a weapon by the abusive partner.
Children who grow up in a household with intimate partner violence are at increased risk of:
- Anxiety disorders and depression
- Problems with emotional regulation
- A distorted image of what a relationship is
- Permanent hypervigilance
Children don't need two parents living together. They need parents who are emotionally available and an environment where they can feel safe.
Organizing safety is already a parenting intervention: setting boundaries, creating predictability, involving support figures.
Practical steps
→ See the safety plan for the detailed action plan.
Filing a report
- Do it anyway, even if the experience is discouraging: it creates an official file
- Ask for a specialized point of contact
- If you're not believed: note the name and badge number, ask about the complaints procedure
Helpline 1712: 📞 1712 — free, anonymous — 1712.be
Shelter for men: referral via 1712.
After the step comes recovery: read about trauma therapy and recovery.
Peer support groups
Keertij guides a peer support group for male victims of (ex-)partner violence in Ghent.
- Location: Ghent
- More info and dates: vzwzijn.be/project-mannenlotgenotengroep
- Contact: ruth@keertij.be — keertij.be
Why leaving rarely works the first time
Many men do not leave once, but several times. They go, they come back, and they go again. That is not weakness and not a lack of will — it is part of the pattern.
What makes it so hard:
- The good periods are real. After an escalation there is often a phase of regret, attention and promises. That phase does not feel like manipulation; it feels like the relationship you stayed for.
- You doubt your own perception. If you are told for years that you are exaggerating, you start wondering whether it is bad enough to leave.
- The practical entanglement is large. A home, a mortgage, a joint account, the children, your family who knows nothing.
- You are afraid of not being believed. For men this weighs heavier: the fear that the roles will be reversed the moment you speak up.
If you have gone back before: that does not make the next attempt worth less. It means you know more than you did last time.
The period around leaving calls for the most caution
For a controlling partner, losing control is the moment the pressure peaks. That is precisely why it is wiser to prepare your departure than to improvise it.
- Arrange documents, money and a place to stay before you announce anything — see the safety plan.
- Tell at least one person outside the household what you intend to do.
- Expect the conflict to move to the divorce proceedings, the custody arrangement or your reputation. See after separation and false accusations.
- In acute danger, Belgium provides for a temporary residence ban: the public prosecutor can keep the threatening person out of the home for a set period. Ask the police about it, or call 1712.
This is not a reason not to go. It is a reason to go prepared.
Frequently asked questions
Should I stay together for the children?
No. Children do not need two parents living under one roof; they need parents who are emotionally available and predictable. Growing up in a household with partner violence — including purely psychological violence — raises the risk of anxiety, depression, difficulties with emotional regulation and a distorted picture of what a relationship is. Arranging safety is itself a form of good parenting.
I have gone back before. Is there still any point?
Yes. For many people leaving is a process of several attempts, not a single decision. Having gone back says nothing about your will or your strength; it is part of the pattern of hope and doubt that keeps a toxic relationship going. Every attempt yields information that makes the next one easier.
When is leaving most dangerous?
Around the moment a controlling partner feels control slipping away. That is why preparation matters more than speed: arrange documents, money and somewhere to stay before you announce anything, and tell at least one person outside the household what you plan to do. In acute danger, the public prosecutor can impose a temporary residence ban.
Where can a man find shelter?
Calling 1712 will get you referred to shelter, including as a man. The number is free and anonymous. For peer support, Keertij runs a group in Ghent for male victims of partner and post-separation violence.