Your children are not just witnesses
Children who see, hear or sense violence between their parents are not "just witnesses" — they are victims themselves. Even if the violence was never directed at them, it affects their sense of safety at home. Some children become quiet and withdrawn, others react with anger, sleep problems or difficulties at school. That is exactly why protecting your children is not a side issue in your story: it is one of the most important reasons to seek help and take the situation seriously.
Parental authority: what changes (and what doesn't)?
In Belgium, parental authority in principle remains joint, even after separation (Article 374 of the old Civil Code). Both parents decide together on important matters such as health, school and upbringing — regardless of where the children live. Only in exceptional cases can the family court assign parental authority exclusively to one parent.
The residence arrangement — where the children stay and when — is a separate matter. If you cannot agree, the family court decides. At the request of at least one parent, the court examines an equally shared residence as the first option, but the best interests of the child always come first — and demonstrated partner violence can weigh in that assessment. What you can demonstrate matters: document what happens.
When children become a means of pressure
After the break-up, some abusers use the children to continue the control. This is a form of post-separation violence. Recognisable signs:
- Threatening "you will never see them again" to make you stay silent or give in
- Systematically sabotaging handovers or cancelling them at the last minute
- Burdening the child with the adult conflict or using them as a messenger
- Negatively influencing the child against you
Important to know: such threats say nothing about your value as a father, and they do not determine what the court decides.
What you can do
- Document everything: missed handovers, messages, threats — see gathering evidence
- Request a residence arrangement from the family court by petition; a lawyer can assist you with this
- Ask for a neutral contact centre for conflict-ridden handovers: a safe place where contact and handover take place under supervision — via the CAW (Flanders and Brussels) or the espaces-rencontres services (Wallonia)
- Inform the school and the pupil guidance centre (CLB in Dutch-language education, PMS centre in French-language education): they can pick up signals in your child and know who to contact
- Stay predictable yourself: keep agreements and do not speak negatively about the other parent in front of your child
- Also think about your own safety at handovers: see safety plan
If your child no longer wants to come
Few things hurt more than a child avoiding contact. Often this is not a rejection of you, but a loyalty conflict: the child is trying to survive between two parents. What helps:
- Patience, not pressure. Pressure on the child usually increases resistance and burdens the child even more.
- Professional support: a neutral contact centre exists precisely for restoring contact; family mediation or a child psychologist can also help.
- Remain reliably present, in a calm way: a message, a card on a birthday, being on time when there is contact.
- Take care of yourself. A father who stays standing is, in the long run, the best thing you can offer your child — see recovery.
Help for your child
- Awel — Dutch-speaking children and young people can call 102 free of charge and anonymously; the call does not appear on the phone bill. French-speaking children can contact Écoute-Enfants on 103.
- The family doctor (GP) — a safe and trusted point of contact for your child too
- The pupil guidance centre at school (CLB/PMS) — pupil counselling can follow up your child and refer where needed
- Worried about your child's safety? Call 1712 or see crisis help
Frequently asked questions
Do I lose my children if I leave the house?
No. Parental authority does not change because you leave the family home: in principle it remains joint. The factual situation can, however, play a role when the family court later determines a provisional residence arrangement. So request an arrangement quickly and get advice from a lawyer — but always put your safety first.
What is a neutral (supervised) contact centre?
A neutral contact centre is a safe, supervised place where parent and child can meet and where handovers take place under the guidance of a professional. In Flanders and Brussels these "bezoekruimtes" are run by the CAW; in Wallonia by the accredited "espaces-rencontres" services. The family court can impose this, but you can also get in touch yourself.
My ex keeps the children away from me — what can I do?
If there is a court decision on the children's residence, refusing to hand over the children is a criminal offence in Belgium (Article 432 of the Criminal Code). Document every missed handover, report it to the police and bring the case back before the family court. If there is no arrangement yet, request one as soon as possible.
My child no longer wants to come. Do I have to accept that?
Do not force the contact: pressure usually increases resistance and burdens your child. Seek professional support, for example via a neutral contact centre or family mediation, and remain present in a calm, reliable way — a message, a card on a birthday. Children remember who stayed reliable.