Intimate partner violence is also rarely a single incident. It becomes visible as a pattern of control, threats, isolation, humiliation, and escalation — particularly around boundaries or separation.
Do you notice this?
- You walk on eggshells at home — constantly alert to her mood?
- You apologize or explain yourself more and more often, even for things you didn't do?
- You see your friends, family or colleagues less and less?
- You doubt your own memory or judgment?
- She controls your phone, bank account, contacts or calendar?
- She threatens with the children, with a report to police, or with suicide if you want to leave?
- She is a different person at home than she shows to the outside world?
→ Take the full self-assessment
Forms of intimate partner violence
Psychological violence (most common among male victims)
- Belittling and humiliating: making you feel dumber, weaker, or less capable
- Blame-shifting: it's always you who "misunderstands," who is "too sensitive"
- Gaslighting: facts are distorted until you doubt your own memory
- Isolation: gradually cutting you off from friends, family and colleagues
- Threats: using children as a weapon, threatening to report you
- Extreme jealousy: presented as love, in reality possessiveness and control
Coercive control
Coercive control is a pattern of ongoing or repeated coercive and controlling behaviors that causes psychological harm and restricts someone's freedom and resources. It is legally recognized in the Belgian policy framework.
- Arbitrary rules that constantly change
- Micromanagement of daily activities
- Mood swings used as a fear tool
- Financial deprivation or control
- Monitoring via tracking apps, location sharing
Coercive control can continue and change form after separation. See after separation.
Digital control
- Tracking apps on your phone or car
- Demanding access to your email, social media, messages
- Monitoring you through your children
Physical violence
Hitting, scratching, kicking, biting, throwing objects, grabbing, blocking the way.
Important: Many men don't report because they're afraid their own defense will be used against them. This is a real risk. Document your own injuries AND record every incident. See crisis help.
Financial abuse
Control of your bank account, driving you into debt, preventing you from working, making you financially dependent.
The escalation cycle
- Tension build-up
- Explosion / incident
- Reconciliation / "honeymoon phase" ← This is the trap
- Calm / normalization
The honeymoon phase is the most dangerous moment: your partner shows remorse, promises to change. This strengthens the emotional bond and makes it almost impossible to leave.
Early warning signs
| Early in the relationship | Later in the relationship |
|---|---|
| She moves very fast — "love bombing" | She reacts disproportionately to small things |
| She subtly cuts off your friends | She threatens suicide if you want to leave |
| She tests your boundaries | She uses the children as a weapon |
| She controls your phone | She files a police report while you are the victim |
"But she has had a difficult life"
Understanding the origin of behavior does not mean you have to accept the behavior. You are not her therapist. You are her partner.